Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
