dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
