On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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