My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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