my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
home. puking in laundry basket.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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