We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
