I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
