you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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