Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
