I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
