just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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