You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
