sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
