Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
