Pappa wants mamma naked
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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