Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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