she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You may now shotgun with the bride
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
