Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
