I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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