A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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