So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
