you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
