Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
