you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
