dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
