I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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