you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
