I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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