So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
