He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
