I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
