we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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