if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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