I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
