god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
