I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
