i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
