I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
