yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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