She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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