Pants 0. Shit 1.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
