seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
