Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
