I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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