When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
