I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
