True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you inspire me to be a worse person
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
