It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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