ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
