Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
