why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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