when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
