I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
