That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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