I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
