I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
