Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
